I do not like pain. Well, not usually…
Today so far has been a pain in the butt. The new going theory about my pain in the butt is that I may have an abscess right by my tailbone. And it hurts.
I also started off the day at 5 am with a nosebleed. Nosebleeds are not fun and can be prickly, painful, and drawn out when the platelets are low. Here are this morning’s lab numbers:
- Hemoglobin: 7.2 g/dL (normal range is 11.6-15.6)
- Platelets: 9 K/uL (normal range is 169-370 k/uL)
- Neutrophils: 0 /uL (normal range is 1700-7500 /uL)
I’m up for some transfusions soon, but until then, I feel worn out and headachy.
The good news…
We’re 95% sure I get to keep the port!!! The Infectious Disease department is still working on getting a more pointed antibiotic for the specific kind of bacteria that was infecting the port. They want to find one that could be administered as an outpatient. As it is now, I’ve been put on a new antibiotic called Piperacillin and Tazobactam. This should help should I have an abscess too.
Why don’t they know for sure if I have an abscess butt? My immune system is completely ramped down, so things like swelling won’t always happen. The best one can do is give antibiotics and check back when the immune system starts kicking in again. This should be about 2 weeks from now.
How I deal with pain
Hope is needed in abundance when stuff hurts, and as I watched the sunrise my hope was renewed with these thoughts: In Christ, all the bad things are used for good, all the good things are eternal, and the best is yet to come.
The truth is, sometimes I like pain. Suffering has a way of demonstrating love like nothing else can… I know this from the movies. You know the hero loves her because of what he gave up for her. If he never suffers, does he care about her at all? Maybe- but it remains undemonstrated until he suffers for her cause.
That’s how I felt about giving birth to my kids. I didn’t want the darn epidural (well, I did a little bit). But what I wanted more was to feel like I was demonstrating my love for my new baby. If any of my children ever ask me “Mommy, do you love me? Did you want to have me?” I can honestly say “I wanted you so much… when you were born I went through some of the worst pain. It felt like I was being torn apart… but I would do it all over again just to be with you. It was a small, small price to pay for such a gift as you.”
There is NO reason anyone would chose to suffer unless the good that comes from it is more valuable to them than the suffering.
What good is coming out of my pain in the butt??? Well… I’m not sure yet. I didn’t chose it. But there’s a promise in the Bible that I’m clinging to with all I’ve got. It says that God will work all things together for the good of those who love him. I trust my God… there must be something incredibly valuable for him to allow me to go through this. I’m excited to see what it is. I’ll keep you posted. I’ll also take the pain meds.